A Summary.


It's close to 4pm on a winter afternoon, it's not piercing cold outside today and as I'm sitting in my home office...I just can't believe we are entering year 2020 in a couple of days.
I remember when I was a kid in the 90s watching the TV and hearing all about Vision 2020- the grand plan for our country as we step into that big 2-0-2-0!
WELL, we.are.here.


I do wish I could rewind and fix some things, gain back some time, and relive the moments with beloved ones.
This year feels like a rush and not an emotional journey i'm proud of.
The irony of wanting to be here when I was younger vs. an older me now that simple doesn't know anymore does sound very ungrateful but for most days, I'm thankful.

Well... being half here and half there would be such a grand ideal life...if I had that pintu suka hati.

I didn't know I could be so anxious, so stressed and worried in my life and that thing about your body aching more frequently after turning 30 is true but then I look at J.Lo being 50 and looking fabulous- I'm also certain it's something that I have control over, if I have the discipline.

This year with all the body shaming from the people here got me down much harder because it has been bottling up over the years. I came here 10kg lighter and they saw me then and had the audacity to say that I look better that time and commenting that I'm probably eating John's portion of the meal as he been loosing weight.



The thing about not giving fucks has not been working because I do noticed the change in my appearance and I can't help reaching out for the food and that bottle of wine when i'm feeling blah and with the blahness I too wished I was who I was back then and with all the stupid shit comments coming at me, I just feel so sad I can't comment the same to them because I don't quite care about them to start with.

So, just to make sure I don't hate myself further, I try to say away from those people whenever I can. It's not healthy but for sanity, I'm that unsociable wife.

Sigh.
Jessica, I hope you'll be happy with yourself more often in 2020.

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